Jokes


 

Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings. 

Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first."


 

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

 Officer: May I see your driver's license?

 Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

 Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

 Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

 Officer: The car is stolen?

 Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

 Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

 Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

 Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

 Driver: Yes, sir.

 Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

 Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

 Driver: Sure. Here it is.

 It was valid.

 Captain: Who's car is this?

 Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

 Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

 Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

 Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

 Driver: No problem.

 The trunk was opened; no body.

 Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

 Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

...
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."


Arthur just received his brand new driver’s license. The family went out to the driveway, then climbed into the car, where Arthur was going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," dad replied, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."